PREPARING TO RESUME LIFE
Eventually, this will all be over and we can resume our former lives. But will it ever be the same again?
Since the COVID-19 infection became a global one and poked its viral fingers into every nook and cranny of our lives, I have been making a mental list of things I won’t be doing again (or for the first time) in a hurry. My inner Elbit would like the list to be larger than it is, but for now, here are my Top Ten:
CRUISE SHIP HOLIDAY
The best thing about a cruise ship aside from the cruising experience itself is its ship smell. I love it, but if that aroma ever assails my nostrils again, my inner Elbit would force me to identify it as ship with possible COVID-19 smell. In reality, cruise ships will probably be the cleanest places on earth once life returns to normal, as the laws they’ll be slapped with will be so stringent that not even a fart would survive aboard. Nevertheless, I won’t be there to pass wind and test that theory.
CLOSE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH FRIENDS
Remember those halcyon days of greeting a friend with a hug and a kiss? For me, they’re over! As much as I love and miss my friends and look forward to spending time with them again, we have all retrained our brains to identify other humans as possible alien contaminants who can kill you. Outside of my immediate adult family, I’m not even sure if I would spend more than an hour with anyone in close quarters again, given what the world is currently suffering. That possibly makes me the ultimate Grinch-friend, but at least I’ll be a live Grinch-friend!
CHILDREN
How can we possibly look at children in the same way again? Although the little darlings didn’t plan it, their healthy bodies have become like the Borg Collective in terms of COVID-19 germs. Many millions of children around the world have the disease without knowing it, and some never show a single symptom. In the meantime, those two-legged incubators of death go about their days totally oblivious to the fact that kissing Nanna or Grandad just the once can kill off an entire rest home in a matter of days! Naturally, that won’t apply to my grandchildren after this is all over …..
TRANSPORT
Aircraft, public transport, taxis and even elevators are now known to me as pathogen carriers. I’ve always been careful not to touch anything on a plane, bus, train or tram due to the unhygienic practises of certain humans, but that’s now amateur hour in light of COVID-19. And if there are children on board, my inner Elbit would regard hailing a bus or getting into an elevator as a blatant act of suicide. From now on, it’s drive yourself or don’t go.
SALT WATER CHLORINATED POOLS
I’ve never been totally comfortable in our salt water chlorinated pool, because although I know it’s still a form of chlorine, it just doesn’t smell like bleach and is thus possibly unclean. Things have to smell clean to me, and if I’m to share water with anybody when summer arrives, I want to know I’m safe. I don’t care if the chlorine ages me prematurely – at least I’ll live to get old after sharing the pool with a friend.
SUPERMARKET SHOPPING
By the time our self sufficiency drive is in full swing, we’ll only need the basics from the supermarket, and once things settle down, I’ll be shopping locally with an independent supermarket that delivers. Ol’ 76 was narked enough when one of the major supermarkets re-branded their Christmas cake as a Black Forest Cake a couple of years back in a fit of Political Correctness. Now, he’s absolutely livid after I recently returned home with a bag of spuds at triple the normal price merely because they were in short supply.
FAST FOOD
Hmmm, could I ever drive through McDonalds, KFC or Burger King again? Of course I could, but I won’t eat anything I order while it’s been prepared by teenagers. My inner Elbit would consider every mouthful the equivalent of a dead slug that’s been marinated in an arsenic-filled jockstrap. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional fast food treat, but I’m going to have to wave the white flag until this disease is totally eradicated. Sorry, Colonel Sanders!
MADE IN …….
As a bit of a hypochondriac and an ex funeral director with an overworked and overstressed inner Elbit, I’ve always checked packets of food for their countries of origin and processing. I’ve become used to reading all of the fine print, because something caught or grown in Australia, New Zealand or one of many other developed countries is often sent to an underdeveloped one for processing. I’ve never wanted lettuce washed in the Mekong Delta or milk processed in the Philippines and I never will, because it’s too silly for words and it’s simply dangerous over-handling. If it’s about helping relieve poverty and sharing the love, just send them the damned money it cost to process the food offshore and keep the stuff here – duh!
POLITICIANS
Over the years, politicians have become like plasticine to me – if you merge them all together, you end up with that hideous grey plasticine, and everything you build looks the same. As far as I’m concerned, those days are over. From now on, I want a ruthless, take-no-prisoners type at the helm who can face a pandemic front on, grab it by the shirt front and beat the living daylights out of it. Yes, I’m finally over this whole two-party preferred system – give me a benevolent dictatorship and a coup every four years and I’ll feel we’re in the best possible hands.
MY FAMILY
Everybody’s family is a bit (sometimes, a lot) weird, but they’re ours! I’m fortunate in that I’m the weirdest of my lot, so I forgive easily and always have, and I never take family for granted. A few minutes more of a visit, an extra sentence to a conversation, a bigger smile and a longer hug are what I’m looking forward to delivering the next time I can be close to my son and daughter-in-law, my father and step-mother and all of my siblings and their other halves and children. If we all did that, then this world is going to be awesome soon enough!
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Elbit vs. COVID-19 